Finding what I had forgotten

More then a year ago my wife and I were sitting in a class full of overweight and out of shape people learning about the basics of health and fitness as well as group exercise.   This was the beginning of my journey and what got me started.  Definitely a humbling experience to have let yourself go to a point where you have to reeducate yourself because you just dont know anymore.

We were 8-10 weeks into a 12 week program and I had lost about 17 or 18 pounds.  I was very dedicated and very driven and my commitment level was through the roof .   We were in class having a group discussion about how the previous week had gone, and all these people are talking about "their personal struggle" how they had not lost or not lost much at all some had even gained weight.  This discussion went on and the truth began to come out.  I heard people say they drank a 12 pack of mountain dew in a single day and another would go out of their way to buy a  2lb bag of M&M's and then proceed to eat them.  Many things like this.

It boggled my mind!  I could not understand why if they wanted something this bad, why they would do that.

I distinctly remember saying to my wife... "How can these people do these things and then complain about not losing weight or even gaining weight?  They sabotage themselves deliberately and then cry about not being able to make progress."


At that moment I began to see the difference between where I was and where they were.  They were tired of being fat but they didn't want to lose weight.  They didn't really want to get thinner.  They were either defeated because they had failed so many times in the past that they were convinced that they could not succeed or They didn't truly deeply want it.

I WANTED IT!
I wanted it more then anything else in the world.  At that moment I was willing to kill myself trying to achieve my goals.  So I did everything I could to reach them I sacrificed time money and self satisfaction to reach my goals. 11 months from that Day I weighed less then 200 lbs and I had lost 99.6 lbs.  I broke through a min goal I had which was getting below 200 and having my weight start with a 1 for the first time since I was a teenager.
As a reward I took a few weeks off.  I didn't go overboard but I relaxed my habits.  I lost my drive and I lost my level of commitment.

I forgot!

Its so easy to forget where you came from and how committed you really were and how committed you need to be after doing it for so long.  I found myself doing exactly what I had been so critical of those other people doing.  I found myself eating great through the day and then binging on half a dozen cookies and other such treats in the evening.  I become complacent and unwilling to go back. I had come a long way!  I deserved a chance to relax. So I spent the next month maintaining at right around the 200 lbs mark.

Then I hurt my knee.  Trying to maintain poor eating habits and do the cardio that was necessary to do that became impossible.  I could only do upper body strength training and I had to start watching my diet.  I was able to continue to maintain but now that my knee is mostly healed I'm having a difficult time staying within my caloric allowance and not eating those things that I shouldn't.  Giving into those cravings has become a habit.

I'm guilty now of becoming exactly what I couldn't understand.  Its been 6 months since I lost any weight.  I'm hovering around the 200lb mark This morning I weighed 206 which I know is due to water retention from the creating I've been taking. I'm not going to log that weight as I know its inaccurate.  But I'm making a commitment to stop the binging.  Yesterday I ate some things I shouldn't but I ate them in controlled quantities and I stayed within my caloric allowance.  So, I'm happy with that but I want more.  I want that resolve and willpower that I had 8-10 months ago.  I have recognized my problem and Im willing to take responsibility for  the lack of success I have experienced.  But its time now...Now that I know

I will find it and I will regain the momentum I have lost.